JOKE FOR THE DAY
A CNN REPORTER WALKS INTO A NEIGHBORHOOD TAVERN AND IS ABOUT TO ORDER A DRINK WHEN HE SEES A GUY AT THE END OF THE BAR WEARING A “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN” HAT. IT DIDN’T TAKE AN EINSTEIN TO KNOW THE GUY WAS A DONALD TRUMP SUPPORTER.
THE CNN GUY SHOUTS OVER TO THE BARTENDER, LOUDLY ENOUGH THAT EVERYONE IN THE BAR COULD HEAR, “DRINKS FOR EVERYONE IN HERE, BARTENDER, EXCEPT FOR THAT TRUMP SUPPORTER.”
AFTER THE DRINKS WERE HANDED OUT THE TRUMP GUY GIVES THE CNN GUY A BIG SMILE, WAVES AT HIM AND SAYS, IN AN EQUALLY LOUD VOICE, “THANK YOU!”
THIS INFURIATES THE CNN REPORTER. SO HE ONCE AGAIN LOUDLY ORDERS DRINKS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT THE GUY WEARING THE TRUMP HAT. AS BEFORE, THIS DOESN’T SEEM TO BOTHER THE TRUMP GUY. HE JUST CONTINUES TO SMILE AND AGAIN YELLS, “THANK YOU!”
SO THE CNN GUY AGAIN LOUDLY ORDERS DRINKS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT THE TRUMP GUY. AND AGAIN THE TRUMP GUY JUST SMILES AND YELLS BACK, “THANK YOU!”
AT THAT POINT THE AGGRAVATED CNN REPORTER ASKS THE BARTENDER, “WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THAT TRUMP SUPPORTER? I’VE ORDERED THREE ROUNDS OF DRINKS FOR EVERYONE IN THE BAR BUT HIM AND ALL HE DOES IS SMILE AND THANK ME. IS HE NUTS?”
“NOPE,” REPLIES THE BARTENDER. “HE OWNS THE PLACE.”
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A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
“You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains.
“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and asked her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch. It’s a Ferrari.”
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An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.
The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said, “I’m afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.”
“Oh, dear God,” cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.
“We’ve never had a liberal in the family before!”
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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain’s parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat. Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”
The magician was furious but, as it was the captain’s parrot, he could do nothing.
Then one day the ship sank, and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot. They glared at each other but said nothing.
Finally, after a week, the parrot said: “OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?”
********************************************************************************Three pastors from the South were having lunch in a diner.
One said, “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything — noise, spray, cats — nothing seems to scare them away.”
Another added, “Yeah, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”
The third said, “I used to have that problem too, then I baptized all mine and made them members of the church … Haven’t seen one back since!”
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A parishioner was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the parishioner by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” The parishioner replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?” He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.
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Marty, a little boy, was in church one Easter Sunday with his mother Doris, when he started feeling sick.
‘Mommy,’ he inquired, ‘can we leave now?’
‘No,’ his mother replied, ‘the service isn’t over yet.’
‘Well, I think I’m about to throw up.’ Marty announced.
‘Then go out of the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.’ said Doris.
After about sixty seconds, Marty returned to his pew, alongside his mother.
‘Did you throw up?’ Marty’s Mom asked quietly.
‘Yes,’ Marty answered, embarrassed.
‘How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?’ Doris demanded.
‘I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, “For the Sick”.’
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A man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back seat of his car.
The police stop him and say he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and that he should take them to the zoo.
The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back seat and once again, he is pulled over by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo.”
The man replies:
“I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”
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The newlywed wife winked at her husband and said, “I have great news for you honey. Pretty soon there will be three of us in this house instead of two.”
Her husband jumped up and proclaimed, “Oh darling, you’ve made me the happiest man in the world!”
The wife smiled and replied, “I’m so glad you feel that way.
My mother moves in tomorrow.
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One day 7-year-old Johnny said to his father, “I really want to get married.”
“Oh, do you?” chuckled his dad. “So, do you have someone special in mind?”
“Yes, Grandma.”
“Did you just say you want to marry my mother?” the amused dad exclaimed. “Now, that’s a problem.”
“How so?” replied Johnny. “You married mine!”
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An atheist was walking through the woods.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.
Then while walking beside a river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky, saying: “You deny My existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”